Lately, I have found myself struggling more than usual with setting boundaries.
I said yes to a coffee with an old high school classmate even though I did not want to go, because it’s been 30 years. For reals.
I did not tell a friend that flaking on me for the third time was not ok.
I ALMOST gave a client a second break around not showing up for sessions, and then drew the line. Though you know me and some of you have worked with me, you know that was painful for me.
Why is this so hard?
It’s hard because – very simply – we risk not being liked when we say no to the things we do not want to do or to the things we absolutely MUST say no to. However, defaulting to this again and again takes a great toll. We also default to NOT enforcing boundaries because we fear real consequences. We worry the spouse will leave, or we are afraid of what it will do to our career. We may not say no because we do not want the nagging from our partner or the tantrums from our kids. Further, in this day and age, many do not enforce real, clear boundaries as they are afraid of harming their self-image. That’s right: many of us may not say what we mean because we worry we will get canceled.
I usually find that my coaching clients who struggle with boundaries at work are judgmental about the people who do set them. They consider them not as dedicated to their jobs, or as being arrogant. “Who am I to do this, Gwyneth Paltrow?!” said one client to me. Well, that is funny, but the fact is – this judgment makes it difficult for them to set their own boundaries. And same goes for me.
The thing is, boundaries are not just linked with our self-worth. THEY DETERMINE OUR ABILITY TO SUCCEED. Here is the connection:
By not setting boundaries we fail to live a life true to ourselves and we live the one others expect from us. This is likely to be our biggest regret at the end of our lives according to hospice nurse Bronnie Ware (“The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”). But in the short run, you will be creating:
Resentful, inauthentic relationships
The sacrifice of your own agenda and dreams
Burnout
…which will all make you – take less than you deserve, ask for less, and quit early.
So what can you do?
I have 3 important tips for you, my fellow people pleasers out there:
- Be clear on what you want and what you do not want. Get honest. Honest is the ONLY way, and always worth it. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is Kind.”
- Know your values. Take a moment to write out what your Musts are and what your Red Lines are. I have these for clients, which makes it real easy to know what to do if an when. Having a code also helps to share organizational boundaries with colleagues.
- Have some structure around having difficult conversations. I have spoken at length with team clients and leaders about the importance of clear feedback protocols, and have recently shared my 3 part formula for having a difficult conversation on our Instagram, too (check it out, if you haven’t yet), making it easier to not only set boundaries, but to do so while honoring the boundaries of the other. It is important to choose the discomfort of setting boundaries over the resentment you will feel if you don’t. And it is important to also respect the same honoring of the boundaries of everyone else.
Important disclaimer: YOUR BOUNDARIES are never the only ones to be honored. You are not a child, and this is not a tool of manipulation. If you need some clarity around this, here is an episode of the Coached podcast all about Boundaries.
In sum…
Warren Buffet said that “the difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” Saying no, or drawing a line, does not make you a bad person, it just makes you a person who honors your worth, so that when you DO say yes, you MEAN IT and bring your full force behind it. That is a wonderful thing.
To your boundaries AND success,
Coach Keren