“Think not that humility is weakness; it shall supply the marrow of strength to thy bones. Stoop and conquer; bow thyself and become invincible.”~ Charles Spurgeon
Last month, I had the pleasure and honor of speaking at the Real Leaders Unite Conference, and an even bigger honor – to follow Stedman Graham.
(yes, THAT Stedman).
Stedman is a speaker and author who has achieved mastery in his discipline. I have read his books and watched him in action – he’s the real deal. But here’s what I want to tell you about him:
After his Keynote, this rockstar, who has had massive success, also embodied humility and curiosity. He sat down next to me for breakfast and for lunch. And we just got to… hang out. I am always in awe of people who have “arrived,” and are still this engaged, still this humble. I have certainly met successful speakers and other masters in other disciplines who are NOT this way. They behave like they are finished mastering the craft, like they are somehow above it all. Stedman was not like this.
He was open about his life and work experience, he answered questions and asked thoughtful questions, and he spoke about his experiences only in service of the audience, not to brag or sell or anything like that. Stedman is clearly both a life long learner and a person truly at ease with himself, who as such can model vulnerability, empathy and…
REAL leadership.
If you are inspired by this example and story, ask yourself:
How are you showing up in humility and curiosity? And are you ready to be truly confident?
If the answer is “could be better,” and “yes,“
the way there will likely surprise you. But it is the way. It’s… less confidence, more honesty.
If you find yourself wanting to embody more confidence, I think it’s really important to take a beat and ask yourself…
WHY do I feel I lack confidence?
There will be obvious reasons, such as “I need to take it up a notch to attract more success,” but if you really investigate this, it may be more closely in the realm of: “because I am scared of being seen as NOT confident,”
and perhaps, you are even more afraid of what it would mean to show people what Stedman showed us: that he is human.
But when I look at anyone who seems to have true confidence—not the loud, performative, fake it till you make it kind—those people seem to be incredibly open and honest about who they are, where they are at, and what they can offer.
They’re not trying to be confident. They’re just being real.
Real is confident. It’s true confidence – the kind related to self compassion, not the bogus nonsense that comes with self regard, or self esteem.
Now, you might say: “Well, isn’t it easier to be “real” when you are super successful?” – that, too, is understandable and perhaps even obvious, but actually, the inverse is true. Super successful people have a much harder time being real. They worry about what you will think if you see the whole picture, and if that picture is sometimes not flawless. I recently heard Jennifer Lopez speak about this in a really raw way, you may want to listen to the interview.
She’s right on in telling everyone who listened that success is just as real as all of life – it has ups and it has downs. I used to feel that, too, especially when I was starting out as a younger coach working with execs who were, well, super successful. I used to think that perhaps a little discretion around moments of wobble were better for business.
I’m glad I got over that and told the truth. From the start, when I did not know, I said: “I don’t know, let me get back to you.” When I needed a hand, I asked from a hand, and hired the help I needed, too. And today, now that I have much more experience, I can say, that even though I have enjoyed massive and almost linear success for about 5 years now in my business, I shared right here in this email that last month, we had a really big dip and are experiencing a big wobble, still. Why? Because those who mind will not matter, and those who matter will not only not mind, but love and respect me even more – to paraphrase from Dr. Seuss.
When I think of anyone that I’m drawn to personally, or would consider working with professionally, it’s not the person who seems to be trying to have it all together and know all the answers (they’re actually more suspicious to me), it’s the person who is just deeply owning where they are, and sharing a true and real story. Real stories are honest. The truth is never only up and up.
We want to trust people more than we want to feel their confidence. This is why honesty is magnetic. It gives you and the person who is courageous enough to be honest wings, a feeling far deeper and more impactful than self esteem could ever aspire to grant.
So, maybe instead of trying to be more confident, just try being more real. Embody honesty, speak the truth, and you will feel so good that it will have a great effect.
To your rise,
Coach K
P.S. If you desire to learn more about the work I do and how to be an influential voice… schedule a consultation,
Or: Listen to The COACHED Podcast
My award winning podcast has over 40 episodes – and is the call in show where I answer the questions of people just like you, who have big stories to share and big issues to work through. It has served many thousands of people, and I hope it serves you, too